Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
