You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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