I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
