I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize