I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
