$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
