he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
