I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
