i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
