i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
