Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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