normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
