apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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