My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
