Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I want a musical about memes.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
