Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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