from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
