just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
