A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize