dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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