So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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