you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize