Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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