um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
