4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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