One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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