we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Princesses don't give blow jobs
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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