Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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