You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
