this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
His nipple licking is glorious
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