my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
