Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
