I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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