you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
