Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
