Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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