Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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