The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
