My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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