Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
