When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
