i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
