My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
