Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
