i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
