Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Every concussion has its silver lining
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
