News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
