My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize