i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I have aggressive nipples.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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