why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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