We named our party play list daddy issues
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
