So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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