how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
it's great music for shaving your balls
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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