can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You are the jesus of drinking
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
