If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
