My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
