Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
