the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
